It's a reflection.
This month I was apply for a scholarship, but I didn't even pass the administration selection. There are a lot of question in my head that I already know what the answer is. 
I was in rush when I apply, actually I'm not really confident when I tried to apply, my father was in hospital during the online application process so I couldn't focus, I'm pretty sure that maybe there were something I missed to fill when I submit the data, or maybe I am not eligible enough today so I was not selected. I was sad the first hour I know it, but then I am okay, at least I learn something from this. I should do everything soon when I have a lot of time, not to do everything in rush and always believe that maybe Allah won't let me go because I need to do something else here.
I do not want to give up my dreams to continue studying about children, I will always keep that in mind, I will always work hard and learn more so I am ready when I got the chance, wherever that be. 
I'm not talking too much yesterday, maybe my brother saw me and he thought that I might be so desperate, in fact I miss my sleep hour, I can't sleep and that's why I was so quite that day. But my brother came and talked to me, He say he was thanks that I'm not getting the scholarship now, He said he need me during his study, he need someone to motivate him. (In fact I never really motivate him, I just think that he need someone who can understand him and he think I am the one, it's actually weird because just like others bro sis relationship, we fight everyday for just unnecessary things).
It's not only my brother, last week my cousin told me so. She said she need my help and it will be good if I'm around her for the next two years. I don't know what happen here, I never  feel that my brothers and sisters really needed me. I just lost for 4 years and now everything turn 180 degrees. 
I can't promise them that I will always be here for them, I also want to develop my self. I want to see how will I grow up in every different place, It is not only for studying, it can be working or other activity. I give them my view that every different places will build our self, that is why I don't want to stuck just in one place, at least not when I am alone and have no husband or own a family. I want to see the world.
Today I'm still teaching here in Cimahi, the best thing I get is a very precious time with my family after 4 years. I watching TV together with them, see some festivals with my brother, taking my father to the hospital, taking picture. I feel so blessed now. 
But I still want to see my self grow up. I don't know in what way Allah will let me to grow up, I dream high but my mother told me not to set the expectation too high, because I'm the one who will be disappointed. 
For now, this is my homework : Work Hard, Learn more and Pray. 


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